How my injury changed my life

To say that I am grateful for what I have gone through would be an understatement.

Even though “grateful” is certainly not how I feel about it every single day. There are most certainly days that I would describe how I feel about it all, as, well… excruciating…impossible… infuriating, and hopeless to name a few? But the reality is that my injury saved me. My injury has brought me closer to myself, to my beliefs, and to my purpose. My injury has caused me to shift my perspectives. It has forced me to look deeper into what really matters to me, and to see what I truly want my life to look like. The truth is, before this, I wasn't living my life for ME. I was living in the way that society told me I should. I was going through the motions. You know…checking the boxes I guess. I was horribly unfulfilled, lost, exhausted, lacking self love. There was not really anything in my life that “lit me up.” I was missing that “Thing” you know, the one that gets you out of bed every day. The thing that gives your life true purpose. I had so much inside of me that was bubbling up, wanting to be shared, but it just sat there, locked away deep within me.

I had settled on the idea of a mediocre life. I was married, I had two beautiful daughters. Money was never really an issue. I was… comfortable I guess? My husband and I didn't exactly have a great relationship, but no one really did? Did they? My life was… safe. But I felt empty.

I guess life really needed to “knock some sense into me.” And that my friends, is exactly what she did! The night that I fell and hit my head, everything sort of became clear to me. Left with a severe whiplash and concussion, the person I once knew, had never felt further from me. It felt as though everything had been taken away…All of the distractions I once used to numb myself, the things I hid behind, were gone… Unable to enjoy the simplest pleasures that I once took for granted, like looking at my phone, watching movies, curling up to read my favorite book. No longer able to lean on that glass of red, after a particularly challenging day with the kids. These were all big “no no’s” in the post concussion recovery guidebook… Fitness had always been my coping mechanism. The gym was my escape from my otherwise monotonous life. Fitness was always something that had come so naturally to me. It was something I could hide behind. Something my ego loved. That too was now gone. With nothing left to distract me, I had no choice but to turn inwards. I was shocked to realize how unbelievably unhappy I truly was. To see how much of my life I was not living for ME. I hadn't realized how much I had abandoned myself, my values, my desires. How much I had… well, settled.

So much came to me through this dark time (and I mean LITERALLY dark.  Natural light felt as though it could blind me, so I had to keep the blinds shut in the house during the day, and wear sunglasses any time I was outside. My hearing was dramatically affected too. Even the sound of my children's tiny voices could send me to my knees in pain. I felt as though this time would never end. That this would just be my sad existence now… 

Why was this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I was a good person…a good mother certainly?  Of course, I had some issues, some areas of my life where I was afraid to look,  but didn’t we all? No one is REALLY happy? That's not what life is about? We don’t live in a fairy tale…Fairy tale just wasn't in my cards. For a long while, I allowed myself to be a victim to my pain. I allowed the pain to dictate my life. I felt unbelievably sorry for myself, and I became angry with the world.

It took some time before I began to slowly realize that absolutely none of this was happening TO me. This was indeed all happening FOR me. The universe is absolute magic. Nature always wins as I like to say. You can choose to walk blindly through your life, settling for less than you deserve. Ignoring the red flags, and the flashing lights, begging you to head in the other direction. But she WILL get through to you, one way or another. Even if it means she quite literally needs to hit you over the head!

Fast forward to today…

I am in no way “healed.” I certainly have yet to figure out the secret to life. (By the way if you have, I would really love to hear it…you could really be saving me a lot of work?) But I do walk through this life with a very different intention then I once did. I am learning more, and more about myself with each day. Finding a deeper love and compassion for myself, and the ones I share this place with. I am learning to let go of the things I cannot control. To follow my heart, and listen to the wisdom of my body. I am learning to have faith in something greater than myself, and to trust in the path that is being laid out for me. And you know what? I think that's a pretty beautiful place to be. I don't think we ever stop learning, healing, and growing. I believe that is why we are here. Earth is like the ultimate school that you’ve been accepted into. No one said it was an easy one… but our souls sure are learning a lot along the journey.

All the love - 

Shawnna